Feminity and Gender

So I’m reading a book again, Captivating by Stasi Eldridge. This time, I am talking it out with a dear friend. I hate this book. Hated it the first time, too, because it convicts me. In the first chapter, it makes several statements. Here are some of them paraphrased: every woman is beautiful, every woman wants to be romanced, every woman wants to be involved in something bigger than themselves, every woman struggles with feeling like she is alone and not enough. The heart is the key to a woman, and we are all designed for relationships.

For me, because of my past, I equate beauty with danger. I don’t want to be attractive, I want to be safe. Part two of this is that men are often not safe, so romance? I don’t think so. The desire to do something important to have an impact, I can relate to and agonize over. What am I doing, God? Am I leaving a legacy? Every time I could or should do better, I hear my mother’s voice in the background calling me to raise the bar, that I can do better if I try harder, so I understand feeling like I’m not enough. While the heart is extremely important, our souls must be saved before our hearts can be sanctified.

My friend asked me to look at the heart like the layers of the earth. I couldn’t quite see the parallel, but let's compare the heart to the temple in the OT. The anatomical heart has three layers: the pericardium, the myocardium, and the endocardium. I think of the pericardium as the outer court where everyone can go and see. The myocardium is the inner sanctuary where only the chosen are allowed, and the endocardium, the deepest part of our heart, is where God's shekinah glory dwells. Ezekiel 44:9 says. “This is what the Lord GOD says: No foreigner uncircumcised in heart and flesh, may enter my sanctuary,”

Physical circumcision is a sign of Abraham’s covenant with God, but God also requires the circumcision of our hearts. This is the process of sanctification, where what we brought with us from our old lives is left in the outer court, so that God can purify us, so that we may behold His glory. Our souls are saved, our hearts are sanctified.

We are made for relationships. We are made in God’s image, and He is in relationship with the Son and the Holy Spirit. In addition, woman is made from man’s rib, which means that either gender by themselves can only be a partial reflection of God at best. It also means that if I deny my feminine side, then I am denying the part of me that reflects God. Pretty screwed up, isn’t it?

So then my friend challenged me with what is the difference between being a woman and being feminine? Frankly, at this point, I’m not sure. When it comes to being female, I can talk about eggs and sperm, or how in all humans, fetuses are all initially female. I can talk about anatomical differences like anatomy and hormones. I can discuss traditional gender roles. All that describes female but does it describe femininity?

According to Google AI, calling someone feminine means, "they exhibit qualities, behaviors, or appearances culturally associated with women, such as gentleness, nurturing, empathy, emotional expression, and a focus on aesthetics or caregiving,  It can describe someone's physical presentation (clothing, makeup, grace) or personality (caring, supportive, soft-spoken)", but saying someone is caring and nurturing doesn’t make them feminine. A man crying isn’t feminine. Wearing a bun doesn’t make you a burger any more than wearing high heels and makeup makes you a woman.

Without both equally important halves, we cannot FULLY reflect the Father. Is it any wonder that the enemy has so confounded people today about who they are? If we reject our gender, we reject the part of God’s image that we were made to reflect, no bueno. 

I know what it’s like to be attracted to both a woman and a man. What was important to me was not their gender; what was important was that I felt loved and safe. One is not an option; it cuts me off from God, and the other is an impossibility I can’t conceive of feeling wanted and safe. So here I am, trying to wrap my head around what femininity is and not freak out. I’m not there yet, but I’m also not done yet.